My entire life, I’ve come in second place with men. Ok, lots of those so-called “men” were still “guys,” but nonetheless… The fact is, whenever I’ve had a romantic interest, I was always dropped for another girl who they had been interested in all along.
In the ninth grade, it was Kris–that’s right, spelled with a “K.” I liked him a lot, and he liked me, but he also liked my cute, bubbly friend Briana. He came to me, asking if I knew what she thought of him. I knew for a fact she didn’t like him back and she was also moving to Arizona in about five months. Despite how unrelated it seemed, I told him the latter part, but omitted the former because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. About a week later, he asked me to be his “girlfriend.” I accepted. It was about a week later before he actually spoke to me and it took a random friend to grab both our hands and place them in each other’s–if you call that a dating relationship, you’ve got one twisted mind.
About six weeks later, I broke it off. I knew we were still friends who just happened to hold hands. He would try to kiss me, but it was like kissing plywood–flat and numb. I actually tried avoiding it whenever I could. When he would succeed, I’d smile at the fact that he was trying. Nonetheless, whatever he was doing, it wasn’t kissing. He was really upset about breaking up, but he couldn’t have been too heart-broken. Briana became his target once more and that’s when I realized I had been his second choice. That kind of stung.
About one or two months later, I met Richard… Oh wow! I just heard a bunch a growls come from the testerone side of my friends. Stop grinding your teeth, gentlemen. Richard and I are still friends.
I had started going to church regularly with Leah. She introduced me to everyone, including some people I’d met before. However, I’d never known Richard, but after I saw him, I certainly wanted to know him. What can I say? He was the youth group “hottie.” Every girl knew it. I honestly thought he was unattainable because of how good-looking he was, so I just introduced myself to him and left it at that. Not to mention, when I learned he was “in love” with a girl named Jessica, he became more than unattainable–rather, he was untouchable. So, since I knew I couldn’t get a crush on him, I was a lot more outgoing about becoming his friend. Mostly, we’d chat online and email each other back-and-forth because he lived about half an hour away from me and neither of us could drive. We only saw each other twice a week, Wednesdays and Sundays, and most of that time, Richard would be with Jessica. I didn’t mind in the least because I didn’t like him like that. Although, most of you know now that it didn’t stay that way.
Apparently, my outgoingness was quite appealing to him and he admitted to having a big crush on me. I challenged him on the Jessica-factor, but he blew it off like it wasn’t a big deal. After he got all his feelings out, he had me convinced that his relationship with Jessica wasn’t all too important. After that, he started acting a lot more like a boyfriend than anything else. However, it was all secret. Well, of course, none of that stays secret for long. Holding hands underneath the table in Sunday school and putting his arm around me whenever no one was looking. He never kissed me and I fell in love with him. As infatuated as it may have been, he had so much of my heart. One day, out of nowhere, he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me and that he would always love Jessica. Hear that ripping sound? Yeah, that would be him tearing my heart out.
After a nine month recovery, I was able to look him in the eyes again. When he got his driver’s license, he was the one who drove me home after worship practice. Just me and him in his Nova and Carmen blaring on his tape-deck. Hard not to become friends again after that. Still, I don’t forget how I came in second with him.
I went out on my first, real date this school year. Remember Nick, people? On the first day of November. We had a lot of fun. In fact, I thought he would ask me out again. When he didn’t, I was ok with that. I liked him a lot and I wished he had reciprocated. But he obviously didn’t feel the same way, despite how it felt at times that he did. Turns out, he’s officially together with a friend of mine. She and him had been friends before I really met Nick, so you can see how, in some ways, I feel like I took second place again. Maybe that’s reaching, but look at it this way. He knew two girls who liked him, he went after one.
I’m fine with being single. I’m at peace with it. I can serve God so well as a singleton. However, if a guy shows interest, I don’t overlook it. Some people I know refuse to get into a dating relationship because they want to perfect their relationship with God first. Of course, God’s got some quirks to work out of me, but that doesn’t undermine the fact that I’m happy being alone. So when a guy shows interest, I don’t ignore it. For all I know, he could be the one God wants me to be with. If I ignore that, I could be making the biggest mistake of my life.
However, thus far, every last guy I’ve ever known to show interest in me, ends up dropping me for a girl they’ve known and liked before. I’m noticing a dreadful pattern. It’s happened at least two more times since Nick. I’m honestly beginning to think there’s something terribly wrong with me.
There must be, or else I wouldn’t be second.