I realize this is her entire post, but I just couldn’t help it. It’s that funny.
May 19, 2003
O Glorious Instant Messenger.
Lesternelson: So, you want to hear a not-so-funny story about hamsters?
Lesternelson: Adam and I drove down to Portland when I was moving down here, and we got really stoned and drove to Beaverton looking for supplies I needed. We decided (because we were stoned) “shit, forget these supplies. we can live without them. let’s buy hamsters!” So I bought two hamsters, and Adam bought two baby hamsters, and I ended up buying almost 200 dollars worth of cage-stuff (tubing, a rotating sky-restaurant, a floating orb wheel, etc)… Anyways, when it came time for Adam to fly back to Alaska, they wouldn’t let him bring his baby hamsters on the plane with him because they didn’t have birth certificate and registration. So I had to take care of four hamsters now. But anyways, the first time I drove to Puyallup, I left the hamsters home and they got out of the cage and Adams babies got out of my apartment (because they were the only ones not fat enough that they could fit under the door). We found one of them in the lobby fifteen floors down, so apparently it took the elevator or something. We never found the other one. And by “We”, I mean “I.” Fast-forward to last weekend. I drove to Puyallup again, leaving the hammies at home. I left quite a bit of food in the cage, but they ate it all really fast I guess, because when I got home, I found that one of my hamsters ate Adam’s remaining hamster, and all that was left was his jaw and a small fluff of fur. And the BAD hamster that ate Adam’s hamster was laying in a pool of his own blood, dying. So I skipped school that day, to tend to my dying hamster, hoping to bring it back to life. I cleaned it, and tried to feed it and water it and before I knew it, it wasn’t breathing. So I gave it mouth to mouth and pressed on it’s chest with my thumbs (seriously). And to make a long story short, Adam’s dad is having an affair.
Sarahhatter: That is the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life.
Lesternelson: Thanks. but it wasn’t funny at the time, it was depressing.
Sarahhatter: Right. That’s what I meant.