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Pet Peeves

10. Do not pat the top of my head. I am not five.

9. Stop checking yourself in the mirror. You’ve looked four times already. The fold in your shirt is not going to stop bunching. It’s time to let it go.

8. When I say “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know,” please do not respond with, “Why aren’t you sure?” or “Why don’t you know?” Spare me from having to repeat myself.

7. Why must you laugh obnoxiously with friends and say “Nothing” when I ask you what’s so funny?

6. If I send you a generously written email, I’d appreciate a bit more than a simple “ok” in response.

5. When I say, “your mom,” please don’t respond with something that is not even remotely funny about your actual mother.

4. If you wear a striped T-shirt from Ross, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

3. When you say, “Just pray about it,” and I say, “I have been,” in reality, what I wanted to say was, “Shut up! Oh please, please, please! Just shut up!”

2. Do not mess up my hair. It took me 30 minutes to straighten it. Have some respect and don’t touch my hair.

1. If and when you enter my room in the morning, do so quietly. Even if I have slept in! Pulling the door off its hinges is no less a surprise at 11:00 am as it is at 6:00 am. Any time, it’ll throw me out of bed and into bad spirits. And no one likes to wake up in bad spirits. So help a girl out and open the door gently.