I’ve got to rant, because sometimes, that’s what I do best.
I’m very confused right now. Because I’ve got so many good things going for me right now. I’m about to start another quarter at Cascadia. I only have 16 credits left before I have my two-year degree. With that, I can transfer to any university and I can start working on whatever bachelor’s I choose. I also have a really great job that will probably start increasing in hours in the next few weeks. I love going in and working the register and I love the people I work with and my boss. Everyone is extremely awesome. I’ve been writing songs and coming up with more music and that has been extremely fun and encouraging.
So many great things!
I’m still confused though because while I do want to take a trip somewhere, I’m scared that if I leave, I’ll lose everything that I have here. Permanently. I would hate to give up this job. I’d like to keep it for a good while. I really don’t want to go to school here in Washington, but that means I would eventually have to lose the job and go live in some dorm somewhere… somewhere that isn’t near my job.
What is funny is how much I love this state. I was thinking about how much I now despise where I lived in California and how I would never choose to go back there. This really is a wonderful place to live, so why do I feel so strongly about leaving? I think it has more of something to do with what God wants me to do than what I want to do. Always a good thing. Follow God, you can’t go wrong. Even though it feels like it’s bad… I’m just not sure anymore.
I need a break still. I’ve been running full speed since high school and I haven’t had an ultimately free summer. I’ve taken at least one college class since my junior year and I really feel burnt out on school. I know that if I don’t take at least two or three months off to be on my own and disconnected from school, than there will be no way I succeed at a university. I will run out of gas before I even step through those front doors. It’s crystal clear to me, but it’s something so difficult to explain to my parents, who are paying my way through school. I want to work hard to honor them and make them proud of me, but if I head straight into school, I know I won’t be able to. However, they see that I want to take a two or three month break, and I believe they might interpret that as not appreciating their money or support of my life. And maybe they have a point… But what I say is true–If I stay here, I will never recharge correctly so to kick serious butt in the future. I honestly can’t think of anything else I’d like to do but show my parents how much I appreciate what they do for me.
I have hundreds of choices to make and most, if not all of them, have unknown consequences. And it is driving me mad…