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Not Justifying, Just Saying

I have been a grouch as of late. And I feel as though I’ve been trying to cover up my grouchiness with an excess amount of specific word usage. Like “uber,” “wicked,” and “awesome.”

It’s interesting to me that I am, in fact, the one who noticed my own need for an attitude adjustment. Usually, it takes a random, “What is your problem?! Seriously!” for me to see my own Scroogy persona.

But not this time.

The moment I realized I’ve been a grouch was not more than two minutes ago. Sitting here in front of my computer screen, wondering where everyone is at this very moment. And I suddenly saw how much I wish I wasn’t me and could trade places with just about any one of my friends.

I think envy is the heart of the issue.

I envy my brother for his popularity in high school, even though I graduated almost two years ago. I envy Leah for her endless pursuit to hear God’s voice, despite how I know I could do the same. I envy my friends for their recent engagements, while I simultaneously plan on the gifts to buy them. I envy my roommate for her two year relationship with a really great guy. I envy my sister’s marraige. I envy my parents’ success.

I feel so stuck. And utterly miserable. More than anything, I wish I could go back and relive a few years. Just to remember how it felt to see a friend around each corner. Because now, it seems that friends are in every corner but my own.

And now, I cry. Because I miss having my friends so much. The last time I cried was November 17th. A long while ago. I am so incredibly lonely. I’ve started to resent Messenger and my phone, because they are the only things I have to communicate with my best friends.

I miss hugging so… very… much.